It was a beautiful spring day in 1988. The sun was shining brightly and the birds seemed delighted that the coldness of that year’s wintery days was behind us. I was busy cleaning up the one room cabin where we (my lover and I) lived, like I did many days before, a day much like any other day.
A knock at the door. I opened the door. There stood our friend/neighbour/landlord. We stood and chatted at the doorway, he outside and I stood but didn’t invite him in.
He talked a bit about the Bible and the love of Jesus.
I thought: Silly man, I am so much smarter and more evolved than he is. He thinks being spiritual is believing in a book that makes zero sense, while I enjoy all things under the sun and can live as I please and gain wisdom from all religions and peoples.
I made some kind of haughty remark to him, I do not recall exactly what I said but it caused him to respond by saying:
“The Bible tells me that I should shake the dust from my feet (shaking his feet) and should walk away” (as he started to turn away from me)….
…and that instant I knew that the Lord was in it, in this moment in time, and I heard His voice “life or death, choose life” within me and was given the wisdom and the power to say:
“Wait a minute!! I’m not rejecting you!” …saying these words to my neighbour, but actually saying these to Jesus:
“Do not abandon me, I didn’t really mean it”
My neighbour asked:
“Do you have a Bible?”
Me: “no”
Neighbour: “If I get you one will you read it?”
Me: “yes”
He quickly turned on his heel and left me there, but soon returned with a brand new Bible for me. He had gone down into town about eleven miles from the ranch to buy a Bible with money that was very precious to him and his family. They were dirt poor, their children in clean well worn hand me downs and shoes slightly too big for their little feet. He used money that would be better spent on his wife and children to buy me a book that I told him I would read. I knew that I’d better read it.
I began from the beginning: Genesis
The Israelites. I don’t know why, but all kinds of feelings of disgust for the Israelites was stirred up in me from I didn’t know where. I never felt that for others before; not like that. It disturbed me. I felt horrible as I continued reading and experiencing these vile feelings come up, disgust and disdain for a people I did not even know. What is this? Why am I feeling these things?
I walked to the neighbour’s house. I needed to know if they would know what is wrong with me and why I would feel this way reading this book. He told me to start with the New Testament, not the Old Testament. He explained that I needed to know about God’s grace before learning about the things pertaining to the law.
That night I had very frightening and very vivid dreams.
The first dream:
A beautiful and very large tree stood strong and tall, it’s branches reaching out very wide. Suddenly a booming voice said:
“This is God: JUDGMENT!!!”
…and immediately the tree was ripped up out of the ground, roots and all by an invisible force and just as suddenly everything went pitch black.
Image: http://weknowyourdreams.com/tree.html
I awakened and sat upright in bed while taking a deep gasp of air, my heart pounding in my chest. But the moment of panic passed quickly and soon I was back asleep to dream a second dream:
I was in the ocean with my lover. I was drifting further and further out into deeper water. At first I treaded water easily, but it became more and more difficult and I was getting tired. I saw my lover now far away from me. I called out to him but he was too far away to hear me. Suddenly I was under the water, sinking very fast. I could see the top of the water and bits of sunlight penetrating through the surface, but it was retreating up and away from me very fast as I sank, down, down, down, the waters grew darker and heavier…
and I suddenly sat up with a gasp, because I had been holding my breath while under water…
What was happening to me? I told my lover about my dreams. He shook his head and rolled over to go back to sleep. Am I going crazy? What is happening?
I went back to sleep. A third dream:
I’m laying in bed with my lover next to me. A very large serpent is slithering towards me in the room…closer, closer, I want to scream but I’m not able to, I’m paralyzed like I am in some kind of weird trance…I sensed that it knew me, that as it’s tongue flicked out of its mouth it could taste me, and I saw through his eyes, like I could see what it saw, its eyes saw heat coming from my body…closer, closer…I hear my lover say:
“Is that a snake?”
“Yes!” I scream as I jump up dancing in fright on the bed “It’s a snake! A snake!”
Now my lover is very annoyed…”What the hell???”
Me: “ You said is that a snake and I’m saying yes!!” As I look for where it went…
He: “I didn’t say a thing.” …
The next day I continued reading the Bible and I felt miserable.
“I’m such a horrible person. I am doomed. God hates me. I’m going to hell. I’m going to hell. I’m headed straight to hell”
I’m sobbing, knowing no one can help me; “God help me! God please do not hate me! God please save me! I know I cannot save myself, only You can help me! Please forgive me! You are so far from me, do not give up on me!”
BOOM!!!!
In that moment of crying out to God the cabin shook and I thought “God heard my cries”
It was probably a sonic boom from a jet coming out of nearby Edward’s AFB, but it came at that precise moment of my crying out, that I knew God heard me. “He loves me…He forgives me, He saved me!”
But inside I knew that the battle had just begun, a battle I would fight against forces of evil…. that once were “friends” but now fought against me…. but God was on my side to help me. He loves me…He forgives me…
”Praise the Lord Who is able to save!!!”
❤️
